Wiki With Me #3: P-Funk Mythology

P-Funk mythology
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/P_Funk_mythology

The P-Funk mythology is a group of recurring fictional characters, themes and ideas related in a series of concept albums and live shows, primarily from George Clinton and his founded bands Parliament and Funkadelic.

Concept albums huh, this sounds like some pretty high-brow stuff. If George Clinton wasn't such a glorious human being, I'd almost be afraid this was going to be boring.

Funkadelic and Parliament are, in effect, the same band, with both bands at one time employing their musicians from the same pool, namely James Brown's backing bands (both the JBs, and the later Soul Gs). Musicians such as Bernie Worrell, Fred Wesley and Maceo Parker all at one time played with Parliament and/or Funkadelic. Due to contractual issues, where the names changed because of multiple switches in record labels, these two bands, along with George Clinton and the P-Funk All Stars and Bootsy's Rubber Band are nowadays collectively known as P-Funk.

• Man, I love this band Parilament.
• Oh, you mean Funkadelic.
• Actually, I mean George Clinton and the P-Funk All Stars.
• How do you feel about Bootsy's Rubber Band?
• I'm a purist, how about you go funk yourself.

Parliament

On Mothership Connection (1975), the first track, "P Funk", concerns a DJ character, who inspired the Lollypop Man (alias the Long Haired Sucker). According to Clinton (who shares credit for the song with Bernie Worrell and Bootsy Collins), he was frustrated that radio stations refused to play his songs and invented his own station (called W-E-F-U-N-K) and a DJ to man it.

The DJ is the Lollypop Man, nicknamed the Long Haired Sucker, and this is all an allegory for Clinton's personal struggles getting some airtime for his unique style of funky flow. Pfft, what's so hard to get?

On Mothership Connection, Starchild first appeared (inspired equally by Sun Ra's "Black Noah" and Jesus); he is a divine alien being, who came to earth from a spaceship (his arrival is "the Mothership Connection") to bring the holy Funk (with a capital "F": the cause of creation and source of energy and all life), to humanity.

What the fuck kind of sentence is that? You can't just drop "Black Alien Jesus ready to funk up humanity" so casually.

As it turns out (according to The Clones of Dr. Funkenstein, 1976), Starchild secretly worked for Dr. Funkenstein, the intergalactic master of outer space Funk, who is capable of fixing all of man’s ills, because the "bigger the headache, the bigger the pill" and he’s the "big pill" ("Dr. Funkenstein", from The Clones of Dr. Funkenstein).

Ok, so Jesus is working for this doctor, an intergalactic master of funk, who has a cure for humanity's ailments which happens to be a big pill... someone's been to a rave or two.

Dr. Funkenstein’s predecessors had encoded the secrets of Funk in the Pyramids because humanity wasn’t ready for its existence until the modern era. The titular "clones" are the Children of Productions whose job is to ensure that everyone is on the One.)

I know what all of these words mean, but I swear they don't make sense in this order. Mr. Doctor put the cure in the pyramids because humans weren't ready for it... and something about clones. Who says drugs ruin lives?

Starchild’s nemesis is Sir Nose D’Voidoffunk ("Sir Nose Devoid of Funk" from Funkentelechy Vs. the Placebo Syndrome, 1977). Inspired by the single "The Pinocchio Theory" by Bootsy's Rubber Band, Sir Nose attempts to end the Funk because he is too cool to dance.

This is starting to hurt. The Anti-Christ is trying to get rid of this cure because he's too cool to dance? Is funk still cure here, or do they just drop funk in for random nouns and talk like Smurfs? Anyway, there's the Anti-Christ comes along trying to fuck up Jesus' shit. Tale as old as time.

He is the master of the Placebo Syndrome, which causes unFunkiness (a combination of stupidity and no dancing). His goal is to place the minds of all humanity into a state called the Zone of Zero Funkativity.

The Anti-Christ's secret weapon causes stupidity and a lack of co-ordination? This is the "antidote" to Jesus' magic dancing powers? I can't tell where the good drugs end, and the bad drugs begin. Just give me the George Clinton cocktail and I'll see you guys in a week.

Starchild, on the other hand, uses his Bop Gun ("Bop Gun (Endangered Species)", from Funkentelechy Vs the Placebo Syndrome) to achieve Funkentelechy for all humanity. With the Funky powers of the Bop Gun (which are augmented by the Flash Light....Shine the light on them suckas!!!), Starchild causes Sir Nose to reach Funkentelechy, and find his Funky soul. He then dances away the night.

You know what, fuck you George Clinton.

*Sigh* fine, I'll try this. Jesus gets a gun, which has the ability to give humans dancing powers. Using this gun in conjunction with a mystical flashlight, Jesus causes the Anti-Christ to feel the rhythm inside him and dance his pains away. Long story short, Jesus is is a drug pusher allowing all of humanity to roll on MDMA.

Sir Nose’s return (along with ally Rumpofsteelskin) is detailed on the Motor Booty Affair (1978). Here, Sir Nose is too cool to dance or swim, but Mr. Wiggles and the good citizens of Atlantis (a place where one can swim underwater without getting wet) cause Sir Nose to dance the Aqua Boogie.

The Anti-Christ's dancing powers (or Ecstacy, same shit) wear off, and now he's too evil to swim or dance. Shitty he's in Atlantis. Mr. Wiggles, some random club guy with glow sticks then teaches the Anti-Christ more dance moves. That's how you get your second wind at 4am, you talk to Mr. Wiggles.

At the end of Motor Booty Affair, and after Sir Nose's defeat, the citizens of Atlantis raise their home out of the sea on the song "Deep" ("We need to raise Atlantis from the bottom of the sea, dancing 'til we bring it to the top ...").

After serving the Anti-Christ, Atlantis is raised from the ocean depths... likely fueled by dancing or some other funking bullshit. Maybe they were all huffing helium too.

On Gloryhallastoopid (1979), Clinton flips the script on "Theme From The Black Hole" (later sampled by Digital Underground for "Same Song") and allows Sir Nose to win one battle by turning Starchild into a mule (the bad guy winning in the end?).

Who the fuck wrote this? I know George Clinton and his associates wrote the music and stuff, but who the fuck wrote this article? Whoever you are, fuck you.

Anyway, the Anti-Christ turns Jesus into a mule for some reason, and wins something... likely a dancing competition. These guys love their dance competitions. It's all like 'You Got Served', but with 55% more acid.

While gloating over his victory, Sir Nose alludes to multiple songs from Funkentelechy and Clones, mockingly referencing the scat singing from "Sir Nose" ("humdrum, twiddly-dee-dum Starchild!"), and pointing out the fact that Starchild is temporarily without weapons or allies ("Where's your flashlight? Where's your bop gun? Where's the Doctor [Funkenstein], Starchild?").

Surprise, surprise, the Anti-Christ is a proud asshole.

• What's wrong Jesus? Where's your gun, flashlight, or crazy doctor buddy? Don't mind me. Just dancing. That's right, I totally took some of those magic pills. Can't stop grinding my teeth. I love you man. I know we don't always get along, but I really love you.

Sir Nose’s machinations are undone three tracks later by the "Big Bang Theory", which reveals that the Funk caused the creation of the universe, though the only legible clue is the ethereal backing vocal line, "So we the clones were designed."

So The Big Bang was caused by this "funk" you speak of. Go on doctor jackass...

Sir Nose’s last appearance is on Trombipulation (1979), where he traces his ancestry back to the Cro-Nasal Sapiens, who were especially Funky, leading Sir Nose to reclaim his Funky heritage, along with his son, Sir Nose Jr.

The Anti-Christ digs up his family tree, finds the presence of superior funk, and suddenly reclaims his shit and keeps on dancing. Sure, why not. More pills please, the ones with the monkey stamp.

Funkadelic

Funkadelic albums are rather more ethereal and abstract when compared to Parliament’s. Rather than tell the story of a cast of characters, the mythology of Funkadelic is a socially conscious spiritualism.

More abstract? What the fuck were these guys smoking? Oh right... crack.

The Funk is described on the very first song ("Mommy, What's a Funkadelic?") of the very first Funkadelic album (Funkadelic, 1970), in the lines "... my name is Funk/I am not of your world/Hold still, baby, I won't do you no harm/I think I'll be good to you".

So The Funk is anthropomorphized as kind of a rapist?

On the second album, Free Your Mind... And Your Ass Will Follow (1971), Funk is said to lead to the Kingdom of heaven, which is described as being "within" (the titular song). "Funky Dollar Bill" (off the same album) describes multiple unFunky priorities, all revolving around materialism and consumerism, which have taken over all that is good and true in society (including, on "Eulogy and Light", religion).

Mr. Funk is a leader in heaven, and is leading a crusade against materialistic stuff. Watch out dude, the last guy making such claims found out that it's hard to dance while you're nailed to a cross.

One central concept is Maggot Brain (Maggot Brain, 1971), which is an unenlightened small-mindedness, and which must be overcome for humanity to avoid its destruction and decay. It is explicitly ascribed to the titular junkie in "Super Stupid," who has "lost the fight" with fear.

Mr. Funk is fighting the Republicans? Haha, topical humor.

Other songs on the album advocate universal love, peace, and brotherhood, and war is explicitly compared to insanity in "Back In Our Minds." The album ends on an apocalyptic note with "Wars of Armageddon," in which the sound of a crying baby can be taken as a direct reference to the speech at the beginning of the title track: "Mother Earth is pregnant for the third time, for y'all have knocked her up." With its noisy improvisation and activist chanting, the track appears to depict a final confrontation between good and evil.

There's a big showdown between good and evil, good likely led by Mr. Funk, and Earth is pregnant, perhaps with something funk related. Immaculate Funkception?

One Nation Under a Groove (Funkadelic, 1978) introduces Funkadelica, a nation wherein the Funk rules and can’t be either stopped or labeled. The people of Funkadelica are called Funkateers (as are P Funk fans) and are led by Uncle Jam. Their mission is to rescue dance music from the doldrums (unFunkiness).

The Nation of Funk is created, a place where you can't ever stop dancing. It's citizens have a stupid name, and are led by some asshole to rescue music from jerks. It's sort of like Footloose if those kids could get their hands on some high-grade club drugs.

The many identities of Bootsy Collins

On Stretchin' Out in Bootsy's Rubber Band (Bootsy's Rubber Band, 1976), Bootsy was Casper "not the Friendly Ghost, but the Holy Ghost", who educates children at the Psychoticbumpschool ("Psychoticbumpschool").

Now there's another Jesus, but he's a teacher. Lesson #1: Don't smoke crack.

On Bootsy? Player of the Year (Bootsy's Rubber Band, 1978) Bootsy is a rhinestone-bedecked doll of a rock star called Bootzilla ("Bootzilla") who is far superior to Barbie, on account of his ability to sing, dance and play.

Jesus is also an action figure who loves motherfucking rhinestones. He belongs to some musician, but is better than Barbie because LOOK AT ALL THE DRUGS I TOOK! EVERYONE LOVES MY MICHAEL JACKSON JESUS DOLL! LET'S GET FUNKED UP!
***
And so closes another installment of "Wiki With Me". If anyone knows of any interesting Wikipedia articles they'd like me to consider for future installments, feel free to send me an email at pertchronex@gmail.com, or send me a tweet at @CptnGorillaquy.

That Thing from the Past #1: The Michael Jackson Urinal

There's not a lot I remember about Grade One.

I had velcro shoelaces, the Super Mario Bros. movie caused quite a bit of playground excitement, and the unwritten rules of the schoolyard were written with those big ass blue pencils.

There is one thing I remember though: you never use the last urinal on the right-hand side.

Did it leak? Was it haunted? Did the last kid who use it mysteriously vanish? Not exactly.

As the legend goes, Michael Jackson lived in the urinal. If you used it, sometimes he would come out and touch your penis. Some referred to it as a grab, others a light tickle.

Thinking back about this now, the entire bathroom superstition blows my mind. We were just kids. We could barely understand what alleged molestation was, and probably never even heard 'Beat It' before. Jackson wasn't a real entitle, but a spirit like Bloody Mary or those deer we saw having sex on the soccer field.

How did it work anyway? Did all of Michael come out, or just the hand? What happens to a rhinestone glove when it gets wet? What the hell were we picturing as Michael Jackson anyway?

Oh wait, when did 'Free Willy' come out? He sang a song for that didn't he? Well, why were we telling stories about the guy from 'Free Willy' grabbing our wee-wees in the bathroom? I'm surprised Michael Madsen wasn't brought in for questioning.

I guess it goes to show that kids pick up on a lot of things, even though parents try to shield them from child molestation trials. Unless the opposite is true, and our parents showed us the 'Thriller' album cover telling us to beg for an adult if we ever saw the strange man.

Speaking of stranger danger, does anyone remember those warnings about a suspicious man in a blue van? I know it was a local thing, but I have a feeling there was more than one weirdo in a blue van offering to reveal the Caramilk secret for a taste of his lollipop.

In closing, there have been no reported incidents in the boy's bathroom since the mid 1990s, and the urinal remains open despite community protest. The school board refuses to comment on the rumors, although administrators unofficially suggest exercising caution when approaching the site.

I suppose that means I'll be taking my bare-assed peeing with my pants around my ankles elsewhere.

The Omega Query #1 - Pooh Talk

The start of something new here at the site, where I bring thought provoking questions to the masses via Omegle. It's not quite a "man on the street" interview, but the anonymity brings a certain freedom normally reserved for those masturbating monkeys at the zoo. The poll isn't restricted or anything, so feel free to post a comment if you have a strong opinion about the following:

The Omega Query #1 

What's up with Winnie the Pooh's voice? Is that an accent or something?

My Favorite Responses:

You: What's up with Winnie the Pooh's voice? Is that an accent or something?
Stranger: idk man
Stranger: it's weird
Stranger: i was thinking about that
You: Seems like a random thought.
Stranger: nah
Stranger: it's philosophic
Stranger: :)
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

You: What's up with Winnie the Pooh's voice? Is that an accent or something?
Stranger: i'm not sure...
Stranger: i never thought of it like that
You: It could be a speech impediment I suppose.
Stranger: Hmm....
Stranger: wow
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

You: What's up with Winnie the Pooh's voice? Is that an accent or something?
Stranger: he has down syndrome
You: Oh bother, that's kind of a downer... no pun intended.
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

You: What's up with Winnie the Pooh's voice? Is that an accent or something?
Stranger: yeah I know right, he's actually a little kid from china or something
Stranger: fuck everything about that
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

You: What's up with Winnie the Pooh's voice? Is that an accent or something?
Stranger: lmao idk
Stranger: i think hes part german or something
You: Why did he move to England? To escape persecution? Or escape a darker past...
Stranger: Im guessing he was on the jews side... who knows, you know
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

***
If anyone has suggestions for future questions or topics for "The Omega Query", feel free to send me an email at pertchronex@gmail.com, or send me a tweet at @CptnGorillaquy.

Wiki With Me #2: Tanuki

Tanuki
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tanuki

Tanuki (狸 or タヌキ?) is the common Japanese name for the Japanese raccoon dog (Nyctereutes procyonoides viverrinus). They have been part of Japanese folklore since ancient times. The legendary tanuki is reputed to be mischievous and jolly, a master of disguise and shapeshifting, but somewhat gullible and absent-minded.

So, these things are doppelganger versions of Winnie the Pooh? I'm in. Sounds wholesome enough. Wait, what's that between their legs...

Folklore

Statues of tanuki can be found outside many Japanese temples and restaurants, especially noodle shops. These statues often wear big, straw hats and carry bottles of sake in one hand, and a promissory note or empty purse in the other hand. Tanuki statues always have large bellies. The statues also usually show humorously large testicles, typically hanging down to the floor or ground, although this feature is sometimes omitted in contemporary sculpture.

• Hey man, can I put this statue outside of the restaurant? You know, for good luck and shit?
• ... Is the statue of a drunken raccoon?
• Yes, with gigantic balls. You could almost call them comically over-sized.
• Nothing wrong with that. Hell, let's name the restaurant 'Pickled Raccoon Nuts' in honor of your statue.
• Really? That's awesome!
• No you fucking nutcase, get the hell out of here... leave your statue though. I like your lighthearted depiction of this mutt with elephantiasis.

The comical image of the tanuki is thought to have developed during the Kamakura era. The actual wild tanuki has disproportionately large testicles, a feature that has inspired humorous exaggeration in artistic depictions. Tanuki may be shown with their testicles flung over their backs like travellers' packs, or using them as drums. As tanuki are also typically depicted as having large bellies, they may be depicted as drumming on their bellies instead of their testicles — particularly in contemporary art.

I like the article's implication that since the creature has big nuts, it's obvious that this feature would be explored in various art forms. Hell, just last week a saw a picture of a horse using his own cock to lasso a cowboy. I had questions then, but not anymore. Thanks Internet.

During the Kamakura and Muromachi eras, some stories began to include more sinister tanuki. The Otogizōshi story of "Kachi-kachi Yama" features a tanuki that clubs an old lady to death and serves her to her unknowing husband as "old lady soup," an ironic twist on the folkloric recipe known as "tanuki soup."

• You heard about these raccoon statues? They're kind of wacky. They have over-sized balls, and they like drape them over their shoulders and shit.
• I heard a story where one of those things beats an old lady to death.
• The goofy things playing their nuts like a set of crazy bongos?
• Yes, then it made a soup out of her, and served it to her husband.
• Did it club the lady with its balls? Because otherwise that doesn't even make sense dude.

The tanuki has eight special traits that bring good fortune, possibly created to coincide to the "Hachi" symbol (meaning eight) often found on the sake bottles the statues hold.

The eight traits are: a hat to be ready to protect against trouble or bad weather; big eyes to perceive the environment and help make good decisions; a sake bottle that represents virtue; a big tail that provides steadiness and strength until success is achieved; over-sized testicles that symbolize financial luck; a promissory note that represents trust or confidence; a big belly that symbolises bold and calm decisiveness; and a friendly smile.

Hold on a second, I get the booze = virtue part, because we all know alcohol only brings out the best in people, but big nuts are a symbol of financial luck? Is this some ancient Japanese version of Alec Baldwin taking brass balls out of his briefcase in Glengarry Glen Ross?

A common schoolyard song in Japan (the tune of which can be heard in the arcade game Ponpoko and a variation of which is sung in the Studio Ghibli film Pom Poko) makes explicit reference to the tanuki's anatomy:

Tan Tan Tanuki no kintama wa,
Kaze mo nai no ni,
Bura bura

Roughly translated, this means "Tan-tan-tanuki's testicles, there isn't even any wind but still go swing-swing-swing." It continues for several verses, with many regional variations. It is sung to the melody of an American Baptist hymn called "Shall We Gather at the River?".

That's right, the nuts just keep swing swing swinging. No wind or anything, those bad boys just move on their own. Picture the spinning rims on a tricked-out Escalade. It's like that, but with a scrotum.

***
And so closes the second installment of "Wiki With Me". If anyone knows of any interesting Wikipedia articles they'd like me to consider for future installments, feel free to send me an email at pertchronex@gmail.com, or send me a tweet at @CptnGorillaquy.

Still Water, No Beef #1: Penguins

Why does everyone trust penguins?

I mean, everyone looks snappy as fuck dressed to the nines, but what's they're not going to a party or anything. And if they are, where the fuck is my invite?

They seem really cute, but why? Most of the things I find cute would be awesome to hug, like a baby tiger or Scarlett Johansson. Penguins are slimy and cold, hitting somewhere near "turtle" on the list of things I want to hold against my person. I call it the hugability index.

Someone must have eaten one by now. They say everything tastes like chicken, but there's no fucking way penguin tastes like chicken. I know guys that have eaten kangaroo burgers who couldn't tell me what kind of wine penguin goes with. Red.

It was just a parable or whatever, but what did Noah eat on the ark? He only had two of each with him. There might have been a creature so delicious that he couldn't resist temptation. Sank his teeth in knowing that he was denying the entire human race from ever experiencing that flavor in the future. That's the kind of meal you masturbate during.

Every time I'm naked, I don't have to worry about where the closest dinosaur may be. Back in the day, you couldn't get that shit out of your head. People keep looking towards the future, but I think we've already made it. No stegosaurus has ever walked in on me trimming my pubes.

If evolution is real, how come old people keep talking about the way they can't piss like they used to? That has nothing to do with evolution, and everything to do with- OLD MAN WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT YOUR PROSTATE IN THE MIDDLE OF AN IHOP!?!?!

On an unrelated note I support euthanasia... especially for him.

"And meow, I feast on the blood of the Irish"

I couldn't really think of anything to post today, so I drew a picture of a leprechaun running away from a vampire cat. I've also realized how much my leprechaun resembles Jonathan Frakes Jonathan Frakes resembles a leprechaun.

Wiki With Me #1: Mozart and Scatology

This is the beginning of an on-going series on this site. The world is a beautiful and mysterious place, and I know little of the gritty madness that exists in history. To rectify this, I intend to take tours through the depths of Wikipedia, and invite all of you to come along. After all, the day we stop learning, we start dying. Although I suppose the say we start living we start dying too... well, that's kind of a bummer.

The articles won't be copied here in their entirety, mostly just pulled quotes with running italicized commentary. The goal? To search for an answer to that eternal question: "Fuck off, did that really happen?"

So, without further delay, I present Wiki With Me #1:

Mozart and scatology
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mozart_and_scatology

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart had a strong interest in scatological humor.

There are few sentences in the English language that capture my imagination quite like this one. Words cannot express how much happiness this statement has brought into my life.

This interest is reflected in his letters and in a few recreational compositions. The scatological material has long been a puzzle for Mozart scholarship, and there have been two main responses. In one view, the scatology was the result of a condition from which Mozart is claimed to have suffered, particularly Tourette syndrome. The other view deals with the scatology by seeking an understanding of the role of scatological humor in Mozart's family, his society, and his times.

• We all do it, let's end the stigma and talk a about shitting guys. Here, I'll get the ball rolling and sing some songs about it. I'm a musician, maybe you've heard of me.

Translated: Mozart loved shit, deal with it.

Examples

Here is an example, from a letter of 5 November 1777 to his cousin Maria Anna Thekla Mozart. The German original is in rhymed verse.

Well, I wish you good night
But first shit into your bed and make it burst.
Sleep soundly, my love
Into your mouth your arse you'll shove.

The fuck did he just say to his cousin? Hey Mozart, slow the fuck down and think before you send some crazy letter to your cousin next time.

Letters

Benjamin Simkin (see below) estimates that 39 of Mozart's letters include scatological passages. Almost all of these are Mozart's own family, specifically his father Leopold, his mother Anna Maria, his sister Nannerl, and his cousin Maria Anna Thekla Mozart. Leopold, Anna Maria, and Nannerl also included scatological humor in their own letters, though not with the same frequency as Wolfgang. Thus, Anna Maria wrote to her husband (26 September 1777; original is in rhyme):

Addio, ben mio. Keep well, my love.
Into your mouth your arse you'll shove.
I wish you good night, my dear,
But first shit in your bed and make it burst.

Whoa, Momma Mozart knew how to get the ball rolling. Good night? More like worst mental image in the history of love letters.

It can be seen that the words here are quite similar to what Mozart himself wrote several weeks later in the letter cited above. (The two were traveling together during the early part of Mozart's unsuccessful job-hunting expedition of 1777-1779.)

• Well Mum, bad luck finding a job today. Know what will cheer me up? Let's write letters about shitting the bed... No, let's make them sexy ones. You send yours to dad though, he likes that nasty talk.

Probably the most famous of Mozart's scatological letters were written to his cousin (and probable love interest) Maria Anna Thekla Mozart; these are often called the "Bäsle letters", after the German word Bäsle, a diminutive form meaning "little cousin".

... How the fuck does that kind of bombshell get dropped in the brackets? So not only is Mozart writing letters and smearing his shit on everything, he's trying to get with his cousin, and this is his attempt at romancing her?

• Heard about that new seduction technique? I call it fecal flirting. No for real, chicks dig it. Well, my cousin does...

Fuck, opium must have been a hell of a drug.

In these letters, written after Mozart had spent a pleasant two weeks with his cousin in her native Augsburg, the scatology is combined with extravagant word play and sexual references. The word play makes them a challenge to translate; here is Robert Spaethling's rendering of part of a letter Mozart sent from Mannheim November 5, 1777:

Deares cozz buzz!
I have received reprieved your highly esteemed writing biting, and I have noted doted thy my uncle garfuncle, my aunt slant, and you too, are all well mell. We, too thank god, are in good fettle kettle ... You write further, indeed you let it all out, you expose yourself, you let yourself be heard, you give me notice, you declare yourself, you indicate to me, you bring me the news, you announce unto me, you state in broad daylight, you demand, you desire, you wish, you want, you like, you command that I, too, should could send you my Portrait. Eh bien, I shall mail fail it for sure. Oui, by the love of my skin, I shit on your nose, so it runs down your chin...

I like that some academic sat there for countless hours translating the original text just so I can know the joys of "I shit on your nose, so it runs down your chin". Hows that degree treating you now Professor?

Reactions of family and friends

Both the letters and the music were written on repeated occasions, suggesting that the recipients probably were not offended by them. There appears to be nothing in the correspondence requesting Mozart to stop his scatologizing.

• Cousin Amadeus keeps writing these sexual letters to me, most of which involve shitting on or around my face... but I like it.

On the other hand, it seems to have been recognized that things said or sung within the family or among friends might be unsuitable for public consumption.

• Man, I love shitting in my cousin's bed while she shoves her face up her own ass. Why you looking at me like that? What, I can't talk like that on the bus? Stop being so judgmental dude, I'm just talking about fucking my cousin. It's how she gets off. Yeah, she likes the ol' poop on the chin. Next stop please.

In 1798, Constanze sent her late husband's Bäsle letters to the publishers Breitkopf & Härtel, who at the time were gathering material in hopes of preparing a Mozart biography. In the accompanying letter she wrote

"Although in dubious taste, the letters to his cousin are full of wit and deserve mentioning, although they cannot of course be published in their entirety."

Are you shitting me? Who wouldn't buy that?

• What's that you have there? A coffee table book full of Mozart's letters to his cousin? Full of sexual innuendo? Defecating on her what? I'll take ten.

The shit sells itself.

Scatology and the 18th century

While scatological humor obviously has not disappeared in our own time, Schroeder (1999) suggests that in the 18th century it was far more public and "mainstream".

Oh... back then it was cool to sexualize the idea of dumping ass-loads on your cousin.

• Stop being so repressed, shitting on each other is mainstream now. Seriously, everyone is doing it. Taking it to the streets, crapping out in the open! We're singing about it and everything. It's a wicked party dude, you should come. I know I did...

The German-language popular theater of Mozart's time was influenced by the Italian commedia dell' arte and emphasized the stock character of Hanswurst, a coarse and robust character who would entertain his audience by pretending to eat large and unlikely objects (for instance, a whole calf), then defecating them.

It's comforting that the spirit of this character lives on today, in the curiously clean-shaven homeless man who hangs out at the bus station downtown.

Scatology and German culture

The folklorist and cultural anthropologist Alan Dundes suggested that interest in or tolerance for scatalogical matters is a specific trait of German national culture, one which is retained to this day:

In German folklore, one finds an inordinate number of texts concerned with anality. Scheisse (shit), Dreck (dirt), Mist (manure), Arsch (ass), and other locutions are commonplace. Folksongs, folktales, proverbs, folk speech--all attest to the Germans' longstanding special interest in this area of human activity. I am not claiming that other peoples of the world do not express a healthy concern for this area, but rather that the Germans appear to be preoccupied with such themes. It is thus not so much a matter of difference as it is of degree.

• It's just German culture. Nothing weird about it. Germans have been talking about shitting on things since always. I'm not saying other people aren't interested in shit talk, but the Germans are the experts. Don't judge me just cause I love talking about shitting the bed and smearing it on my cousin's face. Not that cousin, the hot one I want to fuck. Just my culture dude.

Medical accounts

A variety of authors (see References below) have interpreted the documentary material as evidence that Mozart suffered from Tourette's syndrome. Among these the work of Simkin (1992) appears to be the most widely cited and discussed. Simkin catalogued the scatological letters and compared their frequencies with similar vulgarisms from other members of Mozart's family—they are far more frequent. The scatological materials were combined by Simkin with biographical accounts from Mozart's own time that suggested that Mozart suffered from the tics characteristic of Tourette's syndrome.

So among all the shit talk and relative lusting, Mozart was a victim of facial tics? "Look at me, I'm writing music at like four, I'm a genius", turns into some nervous twitchy guy who can't stop talking about fucking his relatives and shitting on them while they sleep? Must've put on one hell of a concert.

While often discussed, the Mozart/Tourette hypothesis has failed to sway mainstream opinion on this issue. Indeed, Kammer (2007) states that the work proposing the hypothesis has been "promptly and harshly" criticized. The critical commentary (see References below) asserts both medical misdiagnosis and errors of Mozart scholarship.

So he didn't have Tourette's? Just German? You sure about that?

• Man, what's wrong with this Mozart guy? He have a medical condition or something?

• No man, he's just German, it's their culture.

• You sure man? He's just twitching and licking the ground, talking about smearing shit on his cousin's face.
• Yeah, they have such a rich history.

***

And so closes the first installment of "Wiki With Me". If anyone knows of any interesting Wikipedia articles they'd like me to consider for future installments, feel free to send me an email at pertchronex@gmail.com, or send me a tweet at @CptnGorillaquy.

Welcome: Enough with the Pleasantries

Well, this is it. Number one. When I look back on this blog in the future, this might be one of the only posts I'll bother to read through again. What's up future CptnGorillaquy? Why don't you have an ice cream sandwich? You know you deserve it.

No one really cares about the first post. Let's be honest, no one is reading this blog yet and everyone who finds it later is going to skip over the initial entry. I know I would.

Some people might use the first post to establish a tone, or maybe explain what the blog is about, but I don't really know any of that yet. I'm going to post what I feel like and see where that takes me. Sure I have some ideas, but there's only so much you can do with a collection of poorly drawn clowns.

Let's pretend this blog is a boat. All the lovely people choosing to kill a couple minutes reading this are passengers on the vessel, and I am its captain. A big ass boat too, I'm talking "not enough lifeboats" big.

A lot of pressure comes with being captain. What if I lose my mind and crash into some terrible island full of bespectacled geese? I'm not saying the whole blog will be steam-of-consciousness style, but I kind of like the image I just conjured up.

I think that's pretty good for now. You guys have a good taste at what to expect in the future. Picture this, but maybe entirely different. The theme of animals wearing things they shouldn't be will probably come up again though.

CptnGorillaquy